EXPRESSING SYMPATHY & FEELING

EXPRESSING SYMPATHY

Sympathy is defined as a feeling or expression of compassion for the suffering of another person. There are many means at our disposal, some traditional and some modern, that we can use to express sympathy in the days and weeks after someone we know loses a loved one.

The first thing that probably came to mind when you came to this site was sending flowers. Indeed, flowers are still the most popular option. In our culture, flowers are universally associated with feeling better in a variety of circumstances. Their bright colors and pleasant scents have a positive effect on us even at subconscious levels. Live plants and floral wreaths are possible variations.

A sympathy card, particularly one with a personalized note, may be kept forever. A message sharing a treasured memory of the deceased if you knew him or her or a note expressing your fondness for the card's recipient in addition to your feelings about the loss are thoughtful touches.

EXPRESSING SYMPATHY IN ANY SITUATION

A few years ago, Arthur, a favorite neighbor of mine died. Over the years I'd grown close to him and his charming wife Vivian, a spry 70-something, and was devastated by the loss.
Since his death, Vivian and I have gone on many walks together, reminiscing about Arthur and growing as friends. One day she told me how months later, she still receives gifts in his honor – donations, flowers and the like – but it is the handwritten cards that mean the most.
On that note, Crane offers a wide selection of sympathy cards and stationery for handwritten condolences and acknowledgements. While it's best to avoid anything lighthearted or playful at this time, remember that death is also a celebration of life. With this in mind, Crane's watercolor Gladiolus notes are truly lovely.
Unfortunately, many of us avoid writing sympathy notes, not because we're lazy or do not care, but simply because we're at a loss for words. What could we possibly say to a grieving widow? The short answer is anything.
The key to writing a meaningful sympathy note is to be genuine and personal. Simply express your condolences and share a few words of sympathy. Including a personal memory is a lovely and welcome addition. Some people are reticent to do this, fearing they will sadden the grieving person more. Actually the reverse is true. Sharing stories helps the grieving process by keeping the memory of the deceased alive. Finally, depending on your relationship, you might also offer to help in this time of need. Here is a sample sympathy message:
If you are writing a tribute for an online memorial or if you are sending a sympathy card or message to someone who has suffered a bereavement it can be difficult to find the right words.
Example of Sympathy Message :

Example 1
Dear Sylvia,
We are so sorry for your loss. Henry was such a wonderful person, and we are going to miss him very much. I'll never forget coming home from Jeff's sabbatical to find our garden weeded and in full bloom thanks to Henry's care and attention. We'll always remember his thoughtful nature – and, of course, his green thumb.
Please let us know if you would like us to pick up Dan and Paula from the airport.
Our thoughts are with you,
Anna and Jeff

Example 2
”Dear Joe and Sue, Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.We are sorry for your loss.
Love, Bill and Family”

If you're still struggling, Florence Isaacs' My Deepest Sympathies offers excellent advice to help you craft even the most difficult notes.

EXPRESSING FEELING

Here are "handles" to express your emotional state.
I THINK AND I FEEL RULE
If you can substitute "I am" for "I feel", you have expressed a feeling. If you can substitute "I think" for "I feel", you have expressed a thought or a judgment.
Summary of Emotional Fitness
1. Notice: Ask yourself What am I feeing right now? Stay with the question a few moments if the answer doesn’t come right away. This is when it is importance not to give up. Be patient with yourself. Let the feeling be with you slowly.
2. Name: Use a word or words to name the feeling(s) you have. If you are alone, say the name(s) out loud: I’m really nervous about this exam.
3. Express: How can you externalize the feeling(s) right now? Use your imagination. Tell someone what you’re feeling. Find some “anxious” music on the radio, make and unmake a fist, sing, yell, write, sigh, smile. Do you see? It really make no difference what you do! Do something-anything! –to express the feeling.
From “Nothing’s Wrong: A Man’s Guide to Managing His Feelings” by David Kundtz.


FEELINGS

HAPPY
Thrilled, ecstatic, overjoyed, excited, elated, sensational, exhilarated, fantastic, terrific, euphoric, enthusiastic, delighted, marvelous, great, happy, serene, wonderful, up, jovial, glad, contented, satisfied, gratified, pleased.
CARING Tenderness toward, affection for, devoted to, adoration, loving, cherish, fond of, regard, respectful, admiration, concern for, hold dear, prize, taken with, trust, close to, warm toward, friendly, like, positive toward.

DEPRESSED
Inadequate, dejected, hopeless, alienated, depressed, gloomy, dismal, bleak, in despair, empty, barren, grieved, grief, despair, grim, distressed, upset, downcast, sorrowful, demoralized, discouraged, miserable, pessimistic, tearful, demoralized, discouraged, miserable, pessimistic, tearful, weepy, rotten, awful, horrible, terrible, blue, lost, melancholy, unhappy, down, low, bad, blah, disappointed, sad, glum.

INADEQAUATE
Worthless, good for nothing, washed up, powerless, helpless, impotent, crippled, inferior, emasculated, useless, finished, like a failure, inadequate, whipped, defeated, incompetent, inept, overwhelmed, ineffective, lacking, deficient, unable, incapable, small, insignificant, unfit, unimportant, incomplete, no good, immobilized, lacking confidence, unsure of yourself, uncertain, weak, inefficient.

FEARFUL
Terrified, frightened, intimidated, horrified, desperate, panicky, terror-stricken, dread, vulnerable, horrified, desperate, panicky, terror-stricken, dread, vulnerable, paralyzed, afraid, scared, fearful, apprehensive, jumpy, shaky, threatened, distrustful, risky, alarmed, butterflies, awkward, defensive, nervous, anxious, unsure, hesitant, timid, shy, worried, uneasy, bashful, embarrassed, ill at ease, doubtful, jittery, on edge, uncomfortable, self-conscious.

CONFUSED
Bewildered, puzzled, baffled, perplexed, trapped, confounded, in a dilemma, befuddled, in a quandary, full of questions, confused, mixed-up, disorganized, foggy, troubled, adrift, lost, at loose ends, going around in circles, disconcerted, frustrated, flustered, in a bind, ambivalent, disturbed, helpless, uncertain, unsure, bothered, uncomfortable, undecided.

HURT
Crushed, destroyed, ruined, degraded, pained, wounded, devastated, tortured, disgraced, humiliated, anguished, cast off, forsaken, rejected, discarded, hurt, belittled, shot down, abused, depreciated, criticized, defamed, censured, discredited, disparaged, laughed at, maligned, mistreated, ridiculed, devalued, scorned, mocked, scoffed at, used, exploited, debased, slammed, slandered, impugned, cheapened, put down, neglected, overlooked, minimized, let down, unappreciated, taken for granted.

ANGRY
Furious, enraged, seething, outraged, infuriated, burned-up, pissed-off, fighting mad, violent, indignant, hatred, bitter, galled, vengeful, hateful, vicious, resentful, irritated, hostile, annoyed, upset with, agitated, mad, aggravated, offended, antagonistic, exasperated, belligerent, mean, spiteful, vindictive, uptight, disgusted, bugged, turned off, put out, miffed, irked, perturbed, ticked off, teed off, chagrined, cross, dismayed, impatient.

LONELY
Isolated, abandoned, all alone, forsaken, cut off, lonely, alienated, estranged, remote, alone, apart from others, insulated from others, left out, excluded, lonesome, distant, aloof.

GUILT-SHAME
Sick at heart, unforgivable, humiliated, disgraced, degraded, mortified, exposed, guilty, remorseful, crummy, to blame, lost face, dishonored, demeaned, regretful, wrong, embarrassed, at fault, in error, responsible for blew it, goofed, lament.



TALKING ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS


Sometimes the toughest thing about feelings is sharing them with others. Sharing your feelings helps you when your feelings are good and when they aren't so good. Sharing also helps you to get closer to people you care about and who care about you. When people talk about feelings, they sometimes use the word "emotions."

Focusing on Your Feelings
You can't tell your friends what's inside your backpack if you don't know what's in there yourself. Feelings are the same way. Before you can share them with anyone, you have to figure out what feelings you have.
Making a list of your feelings can help. You can do this in your head or by writing it out on a piece of paper or even by drawing pictures. Is something bothering you? Does it make you sad or angry? Do you feel this emotion only once in a while or do you feel it a lot of the time?

When you're trying to figure out your feelings, it might help to remember something that happened and think about how it made you feel. Then you can say, "I feel sad when my friend doesn't play with me" or "I feel angry when my brother always wins at baseball." This can help you figure out your own feelings. It also gives the person you're talking with more information about what's bothering you.

Why Talk About Your Feelings?
The way a person feels inside is important. It can be really hard not to tell anyone that you're feeling sad, worried, or upset. Then, it's just you and these bad feelings. If you keep feelings locked inside, it can even make you feel sick!

But if you talk with someone who cares for you, like your mom or dad, you will almost always start to feel better. Now you're not all alone with your problems or worries. It doesn't mean your problems and worries disappear magically, but at least someone else knows what's bothering you and can help you find solutions.

Your mom and dad want to know if you have problems because they love you and they want to know what's happening in your life. But what if a kid doesn't want to talk with mom or dad? Then find another trusted adult, like a relative or a counselor at school. Maybe this person can help you talk with your mom and dad about your problem or concern.

How to Talk About Your Feelings
Once you know who you can talk with, you'll want to pick a time and place to talk. Does it need to be private, or can you talk with your brother and sister in the room? If you think you'll have trouble saying what's on your mind, write it down on a piece of paper. If the person doesn't understand what you mean right away, try explaining it a different way or give an example of what's concerning you. Is there something you think could be done to make things better? If so, say it.

Some kids - just like some adults - are more private than others. That means some people will feel more shy about sharing their feelings. A kid doesn't have to share every feeling he or she has, but it is important to share feelings when a kid needs help. You don't have to solve every problem on your own. Sometimes you need help. And if you do, talking about your feelings can be the first step toward getting it.